Kari with Sawyer at age 7

Kari was describing a process we recommend in our book Authentic Conversations: Moving from Manipulation to Truth and Commitment. Although our book discusses the ways parent-child dynamics in organizations sabotage good results, this particular parent-child conversation was a beautiful example of something we advocate. At age seven, her son managed to create a “business case” for a change he wanted, which also had the potential to be beneficial to the “family enterprise.”

In second grade, Sawyer’s teacher taught the kids how to do elementary power point presentations. His made the case for why he should get a later bedtime. Rather than just nag his mom — or whine that “all the other kids get to stay up late” — he gathered data, constructed an argument, and tied his case to things that “the business” (i.e. Mom) cared about.

First he did a poll of all the kids in his class to see what their bedtimes were. Most, although not all, were allowed to stay up later than he did. He created a simple table that showed where the numbers fell.

Second, he talked about how a later bedtime would give him opportunities for more learning, by watching the Discovery Channel, for instance, or other informative programming. This would tie into the vision of  “the business” — raising a well-educated, well-rounded young man who would be come responsible and self-supporting.

Finally, he argued that because of their busy schedule and the demands of homework, very little time was left over in the evenings for quality mother-son time — to play cards, catch up on the day’s news, or read a book together before he had to go to bed.

 “Sawyer presented me with good research and sound reasoning,” Kari says. “He appealed to my working mommy guilt about not spending enough time with him — without even knowing it. Honestly, I was impressed Besides, it was just so cute.”

Was it manipulative? Clearly, Kari’s decision was based partly on mommy guilt. But whether there was manipulative intent can only be answered by one person: Sawyer. Manipulation is purely a matter of intention.

His approach, however, did exactly what a good business case is supposed to do: propose a change, and show how it would be beneficial not just to him, but also to the enterprise. It wasn’t a childish demand: “Give me what I want or I’ll sulk or throw a tantrum.” Kari had good information on which to base her decision.

The presentation of his business case worked — Mom moved his bedtime 30 minutes later. Did the decision benefit the enterprise? As we’ve watched Sawyer grow into a smart, funny, and responsible young man, we would argue that his getting a little less sleep didn’t hurt the enterprise one little bit.

“For productivity, it’s important to have happy cows,” Bob says. “If a cow is at her maximum health and her maximum contentedness, she’s profitable. I don’t even really manage my farm so much from a fiscal standpoint as from a cow standpoint, because I know that, if I take care of those cows, the bottom line will take care of itself.”

The farmer understands that this relationship is mutually beneficial. Bob doesn’t see his cows as easily replaceable milk-producing cogs in his dairy machine. He knows their names, their offspring, their quirks and their outputs. And he knows that the harder he works to provide what they need to be productive and contented, the better the cows will produce.

“They support me as much as I support them, so it’s easy to get attached to them. I want to work hard for them because they’ve taken good care of me.”

Because he cares about his cows, just like many supervisors care about their employees, it’s especially hard when Bob has to make decisions about the cow’s future, especially when productivity is off. When that happens, he tries to find alternative ways for those cows to contribute. But he is running a business, and he knows sometimes saying good-bye to the cow is inevitable.

Obviously people are not cows. For one thing, they have choices to make around their own contentedness.

And unlike cows, people have far more to contribute to boosting bottom lines when hard times befall a business than cows do. Smart managers know this.  By engaging workers in finding ways to create a better future, leaders have the opportunity to build business literacy, discover cost savings from the people who really manage day-to-day costs, and generate creative solutions to difficult challenges. 

Employees who are engaged in creating their own future are more connected to the business — and more likely to be content. And like Bob’s cows, an employee who is content is far more likely to be productive. When that happens, "the bottom line will take care of itself.”  

Steve adopted this practice to keep his conversations authentic.

We met Steve last spring at an Association of American Medical Colleges conference, where we presented a workshop on Authentic Conversations. He is a physician who works as a financial development officer for a major west coast medical university. Most people call him a fundraiser. He defines himself as a donor advocate.

After introducing himself, he told us how something we advocate in our work — clarifying intentions  — makes a big difference in the way he approaches his career.

Before each meeting with a potential donor, Steve pauses for a few moments to do a short meditation. It serves to remind him that, even unconsciously, he does not want to veer into using manipulation “to get people to do what I want them to do.” He sets an intention to help people discover ways of contributing that are meaningful to them.

It is a wonderful practice for supporting authentic conversations.

Steve’s story also was perfect for our next book, to be published in the spring of 2013 (tentative title: Yoga Wisdom at Work.) It is about how living the principles of yoga on the job can help people become more successful and sane. We asked if he’d be up for an interview, and he agreed.

That’s when we discovered another useful practice for authentic conversations. I noticed right away that after a question, he takes a deep breath — inhale . . . .  exhale. And then he responds. In yoga, this focus on breath is called pranayama.  Steve consciously practices this during his conversations.

Mindful breathing, Steve tells us, gives him space to roll his thoughts around, and helps him stay present. It also decelerates the conversation — his conversation partners slow down as well. The interaction becomes more rich and meaningful.

In our hurry-up, do-it-now, I-can’t-wait world, imagine what would change if everyone took a breath before they spoke?

Inhale… Exhale. . . . . See the person to whom you are talking.

Inhale… Exhale. . . . . Think carefully about your response.

When stakes are high and conversation heats up — inhale… exhale. . . . . Create space to calm down, and consider what is best for the good of the whole.

Inhale, exhale.

AAaaaaaaaaaaahh.